there are moments between lapses of loneliness in which the love that’s missing in life presents itself through song, words, or long hugs from long lost friends.

so, i’m at this workshop on dealing with young men and participating in an exercise the facilitator often uses in order to disarm the youth he works with.  the participants stand and form a circle.  we’re all facing inwards.  the facilitator asks us to think of a positive male influence in our life.  who’s the first person who comes to mind?

i have to admit the question made me panic just a wee bit.  my visceral reaction was that i have no positive men in my life - there’s no one who’s stuck around long enough, been present for long enough, been  kind and gentle for long enough… i sighed with relief when the facilitator gave us permission to think of women, ’cause, come on - my mom!

but then my head went back a bit.  i can no longer honestly say that there are no men who have a positive role in my life because i live with some who are wonderful and there’s on, in particular, who’s become like a brother to me.

i thought of mihu and what a kind person he is.  i thought of how he’ll be silly with me, how he’ll humour my child-like behaviour, how he’ll engage in my angsty talks, how he’ll open himself up, how he’ll show compassion and kindness, how he’ll hug other men, how he’ll give feedback on my life and work, how he’s supportive, how he’ll sit there with me when i’m sad and lonely and do just that: be present and keep me company when i’m feeling completely alone.  once, i was crying on the steps over a conversation i had with my parents about my brother.  mihu saw/heard and just sat there with me.  he didn’t try to get me to stop crying, he didn’t ask me to talk about it, he didn’t tell me it’ll be okay… he just sat there with me and was present with me while i was sad and lonely and frustrated.  being present through someone else’s pain like that is an unbelievable act of compassion… and that’s just the kind of person he is.

i was thinking all this in the 45 seconds or so we had to think about our person.  then, we shared with the group who we thought of and were instructed to notice how it felt to think of this person.  my body filled with gratitude as i thought of mihu.

i do think it’s sad that it took me until 27 to have a man in my life who isn’t an asshole… still, i’m lucky to have that now, which makes me optimistic for future generations.  there are men in their twenties who are as kind and smart as mihu, which means there are positive male role models out there for kids, male role models who prove that there are men who hug and express emotions and share ideas and express empathy and compassion.  there are men who don’t take power, but hold it respectfully.  there are men who are good people and there are many more out there being raised, being born… and many who are out there right now, just being, for me to meet and be grateful for.

I can’t believe I’m home.  I left London, Ontario on Friday morning and made it to Edmonton by Sunday evening.  That’s 34 hours of driving in three days.  I still feel loopy from it.  (Or, maybe that’s because I have nothing to “drink.”)

At any rate, now that it’s over, I can look back and see how fucking monumental this trip was.  I met some amazing people, experienced the dynamic landscape, laughed/marvelled/shivered over American eccentricities (they have a gas station called Freedom - FOR REAL), lost myself in the sea, the sky, the sand.. And I found parts of myself that I had kept buried for a long time.

We had a party the night I came in which was lovely.

And now back to work and a regularly scheduled blog about politics and social justice and how the two impact my personal life.  I guess.

So much to write, but I’m so, so tired. Yet, I feel I should take advantage of this time on my own with the best internet connection I’ve had in ages. So, in point form:

* I had an amazing night after I wrote that last entry. I went to the park across the street from my hostel - the one where all these hippies hang out - to have a “drink” and write for a bit. As I was “drinking,” looking up at the sky, a handsome hippie approached me. He introduced himself and asked if I wanted to join his friends, who were also “drinking.” They all seem like great people. They’re street youth, from 18-28, who are involved in a community arts centre for, surprise surprise, street youth. One of them gave me a button he made and the others showed me some cards and posters and silk screened shirts. All their work is amazing and they’re rightfully proud of it. Anyway, once the original dude found out I’m not from Toronto, he asked if he could show me around. I pretty much said HELLZ YEAH! We walked around downtown for a few hours; he showed me around while we exchanged stories from our lives, our heads, our hearts. What I find particlarly amazing is that he came and introduced himself o me just when I was feeling the most bummed I have so far on this trip… And then it all disappeared. I love how the universe works sometimes.

* Guelph is NOT as cool as people say it is. It’s a rich, young university town… Well, a rich, young, university town in which the head shops are owned by Indians! Man, seeing Indians makes me so happy.

* I visited a friend from London, ON the other day - it was like no time had passed, even though it’s been three years since we’ve even had a proper conversation. We met in grad school.

* I drove for almost 13 hours today - London to where I am now. It’s sick. Thirteen more tomorrow, then I’ll have a mere 8 on Sunday. Oi.

* I’m going to be super broke when I get home. Anyone wanna buy some CDs?

* So much more to say, but this point form thing sucks ’cause I’ve been thinking thinking thinking…

* But now, I’m going to sleep sleep sleeeeep.

Toronto is weird.  It’s such a huge city and each neighbourhood feels like a completley different town.  I think this is what some people like about Toronto, but I have to admit I’m glad I don’t live here.  Regardless of where I’ve been, it’s dirty and polluted and sticky.

That doesn’t mean I’m not having fun here, though.  I’m staying in the Kensington Market area, with lots of organic & vegan food options, cool shops, “cool” looking people (though not friendly)…

Actually, I think I just lied.  I’m not really enjoying myself here, but it’s not because of the city: it’s because I’m sick.  I think I contracted some very mild form of food poisoning ’cause my stomach is really not doing so well.  I can’t count how many times I’ve used the toilet today and yesterday!  I’ve also been feeling generally weak and gross… But I’m home soon!  Given how I’m feeling, I don’t know if I’ll be able to make it home for the party on Sunday.  I’ll try, but I’m not sure if I can do it.

I hit up Niagra Falls today, but didn’t do much there ’cause I kind of wanted to die.:/

I don’t know if it’s what’s going on physically, or just the travelling, but I’ve felt kind of bummed the past few days.  I’ve seen so much and recognized how beautiful this earth is.. But this world is disgusting.  Most cities seem the same and while I could live pretty much anywhere, I can’t say I really want to.  Buddhists say desire is the root of unhappiness, but for me, it’s lack thereof; desire keeps me going, keeps me functioning, keeps me motivated…

That said, I’m happy to be seeing my family soon (both blood and non).

This city isn’t as bad as I thought it’d be.  I’m in Kensington Market, which is a kickass neighbourhood.  I’m going to go to the park across the street, have a “drink” and walk around.

xxx

Back in Montreal after my rendez-vous to the Maritimes with Jackster.  She’s home, I’m not, and I’m happy, but ready to be back in Edmonton.

Halifax was amazing.  I LOVE that city.  Earlier in the trip, I was feeling as if every city is the same.. But this one feels different somehow.  It’s got this community vibe to it, lots of activist events and people are SO FRIENDLY.  The Halifax Coalition Against Poverty has an actual office space and a people’s photocopier… Which we visited as soon as we saw the building.  The people working there were amazingly friendly and welcoming.  There are also lots of good looking people in that city. 

The hostel at that place was also pretty fantastic.  We met some randoms who we got “drunk” with, gabbed into the wee hours, and then headed to Fredericton the next day.  Not much to say about that place, to be honest!

Tomorrow, I’m off to Toronto.  I don’t have a place to stay there, but I’m sure I’ll figure something out.  I’ll probably just end up camping outside of the city.  I’m considering just staying in a suburb that night.  I’m really looking forward to having an evening to myself, to relax and chill out and read and write and do not much of anything… So maybe I’ll splurge on a night in a hotel.  I just find it hard to bring myself to spend upwards of a hundred dollars for a bed!

Ahhh we’re off to brunch now!  I had so much more to write - REAL things to write - but I guess that’ll have to wait.

Travelled through PEI, hung out on the beach, was scared by Charlottetown’s pristine sterility… And now Halifax.  It’s gorgeous here.  I already love it and we’ve only been here for a few hours.

I’ve learned a lot about myself through this trip: a lot about what kinds of relationships I’ve always formed, what kind I’d like to keep forming, what I value in life… And I realized that, at the beginning of this trip, I was simply asking myself the wrong questions.  All along, I’ve been thinking there’s something wrong with me for not feeling like a member of a community.  Now, I realized that maybe I’m just a drifter.  Maybe membership for me looks different than it does to others.  My relationships with others aren’t characterized by bonds, or even links; instead, I hook myself with other people for relationships and moments that are intense and meaningful, but usually short-lived.  And maybe that’s okay.

At any rate, I’m still having a wonderful time and my trip’s only got about a week and a half of juice left.   I’m definitely ready to head home… And I’m ready to recognize that it won’t be my home forever and that transience may not be the worst part of my life.

So, I’m in Wentworth. 

It’s kinda cold.  Raining.  The forecast is to be like this over the next week.  This makes me very, very sad.

I’ve been suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuper tired.  Damn you, crazy meds!!

This area is lovely, though.  Abandoned homes, rusted farm houses, chunks of forest, unpaved roads, happy cows, beautiful horses, stunning deer, cute landscape.  It’s nice out here.  The woman who runs this hostel thinks the summer here is over.  Fuck.  I need to go to a place with heat.  Melbourne in January just looks more and more attractive.

The hostel here is wonderful.  It’s an old cabin house that was built in the 1800s and was the first hostel in Nova Scotia!  We pretty much have the whole place to ourselves right now.  There’s only one other person staying!

I think I should sleep.  So, so tired.

I don’t know what’s up with me, but I’ve been super spacey.  Spacier than usual.  I can’t seem to communicate properly, I can’t find the right words for things, I can’t focus or concentrate, I have no memory (long-term events are hazy, too) and I’m super airy.

Today, Jackie convinced me to go to the hospital.  I started blubbering like the drama queen I can be, but I went.  The triage nurse thought the problem might be one of the medications I’m on (I haven’t had its levels tested in a year, but I’m meant to go every four months), so they tested my blood levels… And it’s all fine.  Maybe it’s a lack of sleep, or maybe I’ve been “drinking” too much.  At any rate, I hope I return to my normal myself because I miss the sharp person I know I am!

At any rate, the drive up here was intense.  While we had planned on leaving New York late Saturday morning/early afternoon, we didn’t actually leave until late afternoon.  We woke up later than anticipated, leisurely had lunch with the lovely Vina and uh… someone may have locked her keys in the trunk.  Heh, heh.  Thank goodness for AMA Plus+ service, is all I can say!  I’m so glad I had the foresight to upgrade my membership before I left Canada - the foresight, that is, to predict that I’d do something stupid along the way that would require its services!

Once the car was ready to go, Jackie and I planned on heading north for about 6 hours or so as we both agreed it’d be a good idea to not drive past midnight. 

Midnight came and went as we reached Portland, Maine, but all the motels were either ridiculously expensive, or completely booked.  Camp sites aren’t generally open at midnight, so we thought maybe we’d park at a rest stop and sleep there.  We drove for another hour or so and found a rest stop, but I couldn’t get visions of Fat Girl out of my head (I will never think of peacefully resting on the side of the road ever again)… Jackie, too, got the creeps, so we kept going.  And going.

My medications unfortunately have rendered me weak for staying awake, so I slept while Jackie carried on.  I was awakened at around 5:30 to her nudging me: “we’re at the border!”

We both needed to get the fuck out of the US, so while that was a crazy drive, it was somewhat needed.  Americans fucking advertise for hospitals!!  We were driving through New Hampshire when we saw a billboard with a pregnant woman and a slogan that read, “Have a comforting, joyful delivery.  choose [hospital name].”  As if choosing a hospital is like choosing a fucking hotel!  And the New Hampshire slogan? “Live free or die.”  I think that says it all.  Man, that country is fucking scary.  I don’t harbour delusions about Canada being wonderful and I’m really not a patriot, but I’m glad to be out of American soil.  (Take today, for exampl - I could go to a hospital because I was worried.  I saw a doctor and had blood tests done without paying a cent.  Money didn’t have to factor into my decisions at all.  I feel incredibly privileged to live here and incredibly sad that I live in a world in which this car is a privilege, not a given.)

After crossing the border, Jackie looked like crazy Vagina lady, giggling and laughing with her hair all unruly and wonderfully cute!  We exclaimed over everything lovely in New Brunswick: “Look at the small highway sign!”  “Look at that thrift store!  Look at all those bags in front of it!!  Should we go look?!”  My favourite moment of today was, “Oh!  Look at that guy!”  Yes, Jackie found a Canadian guy unbelievably wonderful because he was a Canadian guy walking around some small town in New Brunswick at 5:30 in the morning.

We were greeted by fog and mist, came too early to check in properly at our bed & breakfast, slept at this looking area that was recommended to us, were awoken by the police who were very suspcious of us before explaining that a lot of people go to that area to deal “dope,” and uh… had soem bad Thai food, wasted hours in the hospital, walked around the bay…

…and decided not to go to the Newfoundland.  I need too much sleep to do all the Atlantic provinces in the twelve days we have for the Atlantic provinces.  Jackie brought up that we should consider cutting it out and while I was initially resistant, she’s right.  I don’t want today to be repeatd and I really don’t like how spacey and weird I’ve been.  I’m going to avoid “drinking” for awhile and see if that helps, too..

I feel incredibly lucky to have a friend like Jackie in my life.  She was not only incredibly patient when I locked my keys in the trunk, but caring and sweet at the hospital.  She stayed with me and waited in the emergency, even though it’s her vacation, too.  I kept feeling awful that I’ve wasted her holiday time, so I hope I start feelng 100% soon so she can have the kind of trip she deserves, instead of spending time with someone who can’t even get a fucking map right now.

I hope this entry isn’t too scattered.

ps. I also hope it’s not emo.  I’m bummed about today and about the meds I’ll have to be on for the rest of my life, but I do feel so crazy lucky.  I was telling Jackie this as we were crossing the border: how many people get the chance to see thousands upon thousands of kilometres of beautiful landscape with their best friend?